I was asked yesterday if I was beginning my midlife crisis early.This is largely due to the fact that I decided it would be a fantastic idea to dye my hair a little bit of the rainbow in its blue, pink, and purple glory. I stand by my decision whole-heartedly, mind you. No, this is not the beginning of a midlife crisis, or an early 30-something freak out. I have had a little time lately to kind of reflect on me, my life, and my choices.
I will tell you I've definitely made some questionable decisions in life but not a one that I regret. However, in looking back at these decisions, I also can see where I have tried to always pick the lesser of the two evils, the way of less confrontation; ultimately the road more traveled. I have rarely made a decision based on just me: what I want and what would make me 100 shades of happy. I have always put others thoughts, feelings, emotions, and opinions before my own. I like to make people happy; I discovered I am the stereotypical pleaser. There are several instances that I can look back and say I made a decision not for me, but based on those around me. What would make them happy. Some of these decisions pushed people out of my life that I really wanted in my life. Isn't that tragic? I have excluded people, instances, events all in the hopes that I can make someone else happy.
An exorbitant amount of time has been devoted to this realization. I'm not sure why this infinite wisdom struck now but I am glad that somehow it weaseled its ways into my thoughts because sometimes there is no better time than the present to make some changes. I have decided that I am a pretty good person; I am giving, thoughtful, reliable, and kind to most (lets not be confused, I am no angel). But it is the time in my life to make decisions based on what will make me happy and what I want. I am gonna do me. Clearly, I am not going to go out of my way to hurt feelings or morph into a different person, but I need to speak up when something is bothering me, make decisions without always wondering how I will be judged and just go for it. This life is so fragile and who knows when our time here is up. I don't ever want to look back and say "What if I..." and question my decision making. I have lived too long hoping that I would be good enough, and praying that I would not only live up to, but exceed expectations. So I vow that not only will I live up the expectations of all those who have put the expectation out there, I will shatter the expectations I have set before me.
And I feel damn good about it.